


in the moment, you're lost and found

by strawberry_wined



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, David Rossi is Emily's dad, Emily is not ok, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Internalized Homophobia, NUFF SAID, Other, Past Jemily, Potential Tara × Emily, but she will be
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-02
Updated: 2020-07-02
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:27:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25035436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strawberry_wined/pseuds/strawberry_wined
Summary: According to their boy wonder's calculations, it had been 6 months, 23 days, 10 hours and 43 minutes since Unit Chief Emily Prentiss broke up with Andrew Mendoza. David Rossi knows this because it is the first thing Reid tells him every morning at work; concern lacing the doctor's voice every time.Emily has not been herself for half a year.
Relationships: Emily Prentiss & David Rossi, Emily Prentiss & The BAU Team, Fiona Duncan/Emily Prentiss, Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Emily Prentiss, Tara Lewis/Emily Prentiss
Comments: 9
Kudos: 62





	in the moment, you're lost and found

According to their boy wonder's calculations, it had been 6 months, 23 days, 10 hours and 43 minutes since Unit Chief Emily Prentiss broke up with Andrew Mendoza. David Rossi knows this because it is the first thing Reid tells him every morning at work; concern lacing the doctor's voice every time.

Emily has not been herself for half a year.

On the professional surface, everything may seem normal. The team's productivity was somehow maintained even without their speedy Penelope, and the possibility of Emily being the new director of the FBI was getting closer and closer, (though Emily doesn't tell them due to confidentiality, yet many whispers about a new female canditate for director confirms and amplifies their pride for her).

But underneath that surface, they knew that there was a problem. It all started when Emily stopped coming to their usual hangouts after cases: late night drinks, dinners in Rossi's mansion, even the occasional girl's nights Penelope hosts in her and Luke's new home.

At first, the team thought she was just busy: After all, she was juggling between loads of paperwork and meetings, while still finding time for Andrew and Keely. Each of them had their fair share with long hours in the office, and she was running for director, so they couldn't blame her for working extra hard.

Weeks then turned into months when they realized Emily might be avoiding them. Matt hosted a barbeque on a free Saturday, celebrating Rose's first six months into the world. He invited every member, hopefully Emily as well, to enjoy a day in the sun with sprinklers and occasional beer.

"Emily's not coming?" Matt asked, as he flipped the barbeques on the other side of the grill.

"I'll text her," Penelope said, already typing on her phone.

Hey ur coming to Matt's rite? - PG

No. Tell Matt I'm sorry - EP

I will, but why aren't u coming? - PG

... I'm busy with something - EP

Iz mister Andrew Mendoza stuff? ;-) - PG

Emily didn't reply, which was odd because Emily she always replies messages last.

Days pass and it had been Luke's birthday and they were celebrating with Penelope in his house. Emily came, although an hour late. She greeted Luke quietly and mostly kept herself in a corner. She was withdrawn and staring into nothingness, when the usual Emily would drink herself wasted, playing cards and laughing with her family.

Matt approached her first, "Is everything okay Em?" He said, carefully.

"Yes, of course" Emily deflected, looking up from glass of tequila, giving him a half smile Rossi knew was fake from a mile away.

"How is Andrew? You guys found a house near Denver yet?" JJ asked, trying to hide her concerned tone. Emily was definitely not okay right now.

Emily looks up again, takes a good look at all of them. "Actually..." she breathes in, "We broke up two months ago."

Awkward silence filled up the room.

Before Emily could utter out an apology, Penelope rushed to envelope her in a tight hug.

"Why didn't you tell us?!," Penelope said, teary eyed. "Two months? That's a long time Emily! We will always, always be here for you, you know that? Just because you're the Unit Chief doesn't mean you need to stop talking to us, okay? And you know I'm not in the BAU anymore so if you have any problems at home you can always call me, and I will listen-" She rambles on.

Emily interrupts her, "I will, PG. I'm okay-" She said, her face telling another story "Really."

"Penelope's right." Luke chimed in, "I've had my experience of breakups to know you need people to talk about it, and we're here for you."

After some more encouraging words and a few laughs, the mood in the room lightened. And Tara, after playing Luke's 60's music in his vinyl, took Emily's hand and dragged her to the living room.

"Dance those bad feelings away." Tara said, holding both of Emily's hands while shaking her shoulders in a rhythm, encouraging her to do the same. Emily sighed, finally complying, and soon the whole team was dancing to Build Me Up Buttercup, acting goofy and with awful lip syncing, as a family.

But, everyone forgot about Emily's feelings after that notion. The next morning, Emily went straight to her office, no glance or look at her colleagues. She remained distant to them, vetoed out of the few activities they have, saying she was just "very busy."

She was busy as Unit Chief, but she had time for her friends before. Now it was like they weren't important to her.

Now she was building up more walls. 

After cases she goes straight to her office, usually locks the door, and sit in her office until the early morning. Was she even sleeping properly? Rossi couldn't tell.

They all tried to reconnect with her, even as they were busy at work. Reid tried learning more magic tricks to impress her, Luke and Pen bought her another cat for Sergio, Matt invited her a study group on writing. One time, JJ brought Henry and Emily's godson Michael after a case, suprising her with some of Michaels' drawings from school.

Emily looked thankful in all of these attempts, but they did not work. She deflects up as soon as the questions come, and her walls higher than ever. They hardly heard a laugh, felt a tease, or even seen a smile from her in so many months.

One day, Tara got her to open up a little bit. Her method was getting into Emily's office before Emily, chatting with her subtly trying to get her to open up.

" 'I feel so tired all the time' is what she said yesterday," Tara informed the group one day.

"Is that all?" Rossi asked. 

"Yes," Tara said, sadness filling her eyes. "She's not herself. She practically begged me to leave her office."

Then they noticed the eyebugs. She tried to wear makeup to cover them up, but it was so obvious. At the jet ride back home, she'd sleep like a rug. In the morning she would get an unhealthy amount of coffee to boost her up. 

His gut feeling tells him Emily was having nightmares again, similar to the ones she had after Doyle. But everytime he tries to talk to her, or even talk anything about her, she shuts him out.

"Nothing's wrong, really, Dave." she said, already ushering him out of the office. "I just need time to finish all these reports, so I'm staying a little late. You should go home, Kystall might be waiting up for you." She finished, closing the door abruptly.

Dammit, Emily! You can talk to us, Rossi thought. You can talk to me. I can't retire with her like this.

Months pass. 6 months, 23 days and 22 hours passed since they've seen their Emily- his daughter-figure Emily happy, and David Rossi has had enough. This has gone for too long. She needs to open up, or they might lose her forever. Because if she can't, Rossi knows one of them, against all better judgement, will drive to Denver and punch Andrew Mendoza in the face.

It was late in the night when they had come home after a particularly gruesome case involving three kids, and most of the team hadalready tapped out. It was only him, Emily and Tara left.

"I hope she'll finally open up," Tara said, looking wistfully at Emily's office.

"I hope so too." He said, patting Tara's shoulder. He knew Tara's secret: she had feelings for their Unit Chief, even as she was brilliant in hiding them. But Rossi saw her longing looks and subtle glances at his daughter-figure, and after learning about Tara's high school girlfriend involved in one case, it was easy putting two and two together.

After Tara left, he knocks on Emily's door.  
Nothing.

The door was suprisingly unlocked, and as Rossi came in, he saw an Emily looking like she sleeping, her head on top of a case file and arms crossed. He thought of leaving at first, then her head lifted. "Dave?"   
She asked, obviously still sleep deprived. "What are you still doing here? 

"We need to talk," Rossi said, sitting on the opposite chair.

"Wait, is this about you retirement?" Emily asked, already unable to hide the pure sadness in her voice. 

No kiddo, I'm not leaving you yet. "Not yet kid. This is more important."

"What's more important?" Emily yawned. Luckily, she was off guard to notice Rossi's intent.

"Emily, you have to tell me what's wrong." Rossi said. "I can't force you to open up, but if you won't tell us what's hurting you, you won't be able to move on from this." Emily stopped eye contact. Rossi smiled "I know how stubborn you can be with thinking that you don't need anyone, I used to do that too. But I learned that sometimes you do need someone. Someone to lean on. And most of the team leans on you and I get that it's a lot, and it's hard, but you know what? It goes both ways. You get to lean on us too."

Emily can't look at him, so she looks at her desk. Her eyes begin to swell up with tears. "I'm fine, Dave," she whispered, a bit brokenly. 

"No, you're not," Dave said, leaning in to wipe a tear from her cheek. She lets him. "Tell me what happened, little Raven. Tell me how he broke it off with you." Little Raven was his little nickname for her that only the two of them know. He holds both of Emily's hands together.

Emily lets out a sad laugh, then takes a moment to breathe. "I broke up with him."

That was confusing, at least for Rossi. She continued, "We were in Denver, and he... proposed, in front of all of his family... and I said no. He wasn't mad at first, but it was embarassing with all the people there." Emily stopped a bit to wipe her nose with her sleeve, an old habit that made Rossi smile.

"Then we were alone with Keely, and he asked me why, and Keely looked so heartbroken, and that moment I knew- I couldn't lie to them." She finished, ending it on a quiet tone.

"Lie about what?" David asked

"That I-" Emily tried, "That I can't-" but the words are too hard to say. She tried a different approach. 

"Do you remember Fiona Duncan, the lawyer I got for Reid when he was in jail?"

"You two were good friends." Rossi said, albeit very confused onto why Fiona was important now.

"We were more than that- R-Rossi." Emily said, unable to contain her tears. She lets go of Rossi's hands, wiping furiously at her tears. This revelation dawned upon Rossi: of all the things he expected, he did not expect that. He tried going closer to her, but she withdrew. 

"There you go; my two greatest secrets, both of which you now know." She said trying to compose herself, crossing her arms together tight, eyes red due to overstimulation.

The first secret had been years ago when she told him about her abortion, and then this, the biggest secret of her whole life. A secret she felt like she had to hide from them. A secret that if out could jeopardize her upcoming candidacy because of some bigots in chairs.

A secret that kept her from freely loving someone she actually loved.

Rossi tried holding her hand again, but she brushed it away.

"I tried to like boys," Emily confessed "My mother said she'd "try to make me right." She would set up these escorts every two days, and she'd keep me busy so I won't have time to have any girl friends. I tried liking them." She pleaded.

"Emily-"

"But I couldn't, so I figured if I went to parties and drink I'll be capable of having sex with them. So I did, and he wasn't even good, but then I got pregnant, and I knew if my mother found out she would disown me, so I had no choice. I couldn't be branded a dyke or a slut, I-I-I had to-"

"Emily-"

"In London, I tricked Mark into thinking I was into him, just enough so he could date me. It was just so I wouldn't get on my mother's radar. But then I transfered here permanently and I needed someone again. So I lied. They were all lies-"

"EMILY-"

"Did you know I kissed JJ?!" Emily said in gasps, raising her voice as well. "When Penelope got shot years ago, I kissed her in my apartment. She pulled away, told me she didn't like me that way. I felt so stupid, so wrong, so I pushed her to Will. I pined for her, I loved her so much for how long-" she breathed out. "And some say she's in love with Reid."

Silence filled the room. There was just the sound of Emily's breathing.

"I did so good, I hid it so well for so many years, but then I ruined everything with Andrew and Keely. I had my future right there, in a silver platter, and I let it go." Emily whispered. "I wasn't heartbroken because of Andrew, but because I didn't have my safe option anymore. I was so ashamed to tell you guys, to give you all of this pain, so I didn't bother-"

"Look at me, Emily" Rossi interrupted. Emily did, and she saw Rossi's eyes full with tears. He had been crying too, but his eyes were full of understanding she had not seen in an older figure in a long time.

"You did the right thing." Rossi said holding her hands once again. "There's absolutely nothing wrong with you, little Raven." 

"Dave-"

"Let me speak: I gave you a chance to, now let me speak. There is nothing wrong with you." He repeated with conviction, to make sure she remembers. "Your mother made you feel like you weren't normal, that you need to be fixed, but you know in your heart that she's wrong. You don't need to be fixed, because you aren't broken. And this, you should never need to hide this from us. Because we're family and we will stand with you, no matter what. We're proud of you- I'm so proud of you."

"How- how are you proud of me?" Emily asked.

"Someone gave you choice of a comfortable future and you didn't take it, because it would mean pretending to be a person you're not, and pretending to love someone for show. I'm proud because you work hard and you rose above the ranks: from a desk job, to SSA, to Unit Chief, and now possibly the future director of the FBI. Of all the agents I have worked with, I am most proud of you."

"Why?" Emily said in disbelief.

"Because you're you, Emily Prentiss. Whether you're in here or in London, whether you're down or ecstatic, whether you like women or men- I'm proud of you. So whether you want to be private or public about this, I will hold your hand all the way, just like what Matthew did for you." Tears were clogging his vision, but he sees Emily nod and he hears a laugh.

"Even if I fall for an unsub?" She asked, eyes red but dry, finally giving Rossi the first real smile she had in half a year.

"She better be a nice one," Rossi laughs. "And give her a good lawyer."

And so the night goes on, with soft laughter, some microwave pizza and leftover drinks they found in the fridge, and Rossi's ridiculous-to-be-true stories of sailing with lesbian pirates. Emily was able to let some of the walls go, finally letting her enjoy another's company without worrying.

"I wish I was your daughter," she slipped out, reaching to squeeze his hand "Joy and Portia are so lucky to have you as a dad."

"In a way... you are," Rossi replied, giving a small kiss to her forehead. "You are."

Emily found that all the heartache she felt in six months lifted by someone she trusted, by letting go of all the regrets, so she can move forward into a future that wasn't forced- for a future that she wants.

In the morning, she will let down her walls again. She knows that the road is rough, and the journey may be far, but with Dave and her family's love, she just might make it.


End file.
